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It’s time to shatter the myth. The myth of the lothario—the man with all the honeys, the one every other man looks up to, the one women swoon over.

He’s not real.

He’s a myth that has been created in our minds; much like a superhero to a child. Sure, you see him everywhere, masquerading toughness and composure, but that’s only what you see on the surface. If you could pull back the curtain and take a peek inside, more than likely you’d find someone who is terrified, mired in dysfunction and someone very much in need of a therapist.

It’s not their fault. The myth has been perpetuated for centuries… the lie of This is what it means to be a man. You’ve seen him throughout history… The Marlboro Man, Shaft, James Bond.

Men have been conditioned to emulate these mythical creatures. They feign toughness and courage, but inside they’re actually weak.


Because they avoid connection. It takes courage to love. It takes courage to feel. It takes courage to be honest with yourself and another human being. It takes courage to walk in truth.

Men historically have been afraid. Afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of being hurt, afraid of feeling powerless. To love someone puts you face to face with all those fears. It calls on you to be more than you’ve ever been; putting aside your own childhood selfishness and placing someone else’s needs above your own. It calls to light the truth about who you are as a human being. And it takes a lot of moxie to risk investing in a relationship and surrendering your heart to someone knowing in the end it might not work out. To risk rejection. To allow yourself to be vulnerable. To risk loss. Love is a battleground for sure and definitely not for the weary or faint of heart. It’s a strong man who enters that arena and says, I’m willing to take my chances.

So it’s easier to run. To declare that you won’t participate in effort to protect yourself. It’s easier to declare yourself a Heartbreaker or numb yourself by sneaking a little something on the side instead of facing the truth about yourself, figuring out what’s wrong in your life and finding the courage to change it. The side chick is really just an escape. A little salve to soothe the pain. The ego feeds off the power of placing yourself in a position superior to the one you’re hurting. The feeling of living the lie of The Myth—The Marlboro Man, the one highly sought after who’s envied by other men, offers a deceptive sense of satisfaction. In actuality, you’re just Bill from Accounting who lives down the block who’s not happy with his life or has some unresolved issues, who uses women to gain a false sense of power. Psychologists have always told us that hurt people hurt other people.

It’s weird because on the one hand we have the myth, but if you look around the world (and such is my habit to do—always looking for the pattern), you’ll see that most powerful men have loving relationships and are committed to their partners. And I mean the ones that have long term success. If you listen closely to highly successful men, they will speak very highly of their mates, as if they know their success wouldn’t be complete without them. Napolean Hill, the author of Think and Grow rich, one of the best selling books of our time and still respected today, studied successful men throughout his time and noticed they all had similar traits in common. One of those traits was a committed relationship. He highly recommends anyone who desires success to commit to one. There are some exceptions to the rule. There always are, and I discuss this here, but for me, as a truth seeker, I’m looking for the pattern. From what I’ve seen, men who don’t follow this pattern of committed relationships sooner or later end up in calamity.

We need a new role model. A new narrative. We need to banish the myth and free all the little boys at the junior high school dance who’ve been conditioned that the more numbers they collect at the party makes them the better man. Real men love. Real men have the ability to control their sexual desires. Real men are brave and willingly submit their heart to another. They protect what they love and create legacies. They don’t engage in deception of any kind. They fix the broken areas of their life. They submit themselves to growth and take responsibility for the growth of those they love. And they honor women.

Simply put:



To Your Journey,


Tonya Lampley is a fiction author and Certified Life Coach. She is passionate about living life to the fullest and uses skills learned from her work as a coach as well as lessons from her own journey to write articles providing tips for successful living and to tell stories of hope and personal triumph. Her debut novel was titled A Taste of Love and was a National Indie Excellence Awards finalist. Her short story titled Birthday Surprise received honorable mention in the Writer’s Digest Short Story Contest. For more information about Tonya and her works please visit www.TonyaLampley.com.

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